Thursday, 31 July 2008

33 definitive signs you are a DIY addict

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• You show pictures of your shelves at parties.

• You start moulding intricate kitchen suites of your mashed potato at dinner, accessorising with peas.

• You know over 25 handy and unusual ways to stop flesh wounds from bleeding.

• Writing a pros and cons list of different nail gun models before you make a decision on which one to buy. In doing this you go over 5 pages of A4.

• You secretly wish for your house to fall down so that you will have a legitimate reason to build an elaborate tree dwelling.

• You looked at your neighbour’s new £500,000 orangery and thought “I could make one of those, easy peasy.”

• When you overhear an attractive girl talking to her friend and mentioning the word “stripping” you interrupt to remind her to wear gloves and work in a well ventilated area.

• You set up your own nifty blog site that you call “Home Heroes”, so that you can upload photographs of your own handiwork to share with others of like mind.

• You haven’t actually got round to uploading anything onto “Home Heroes” yet because you have been so engrossed with enthralling new DIY projects.

• You dream about staring in your own Tim Allen-style home improvement TV show and have already picked a theme tune.

• Waiting until your wife is asleep you shuffle furtively out of bed to go and look at pictures of power drills on the internet.

• You name your twins Black & Decker.

• You name your dog DeWalt.

• You have wet dreams about variable speed hammer drills.

• You have 5 ongoing DIY projects all 90% finished.

• You use Duct tape to wrap birthday presents.

• You invest in designer safety glasses.

• You lust after Batman’s utility belt.

• You have regular nightmares about running out of ammunition for your nail-gun in a critical DIY moment.

• You constantly lust for more power and higher rotations.

• You spend more money on tools and wood than it would cost to get a builder in.

• You don't have a pair of shoes without paint splatters on them.

• You've been electrocuted. More than once.

• You've had a homemade flood. More than once.

• Your home insurance company refuses to give you the standard rate.

• You have the outline of all your tools drawn on the shed wall where their meant to be put.

• Whenever mashed potato is served, you ‘plaster’ it over everything else on the plate.

• You and your friends have DIY parties that involve BYO bottle and drill.

• You feel sorry for tools that you’re not using very much.

• You know that the guy who mixes the paint in B&Q has a wife, two kids and a dog called Brian.

• You suffer from drill bit envy.

• You know precisely how many spare nails you have left.

• You have at least two spare batteries for your power drill, and one’s charging right now.