Thursday, 28 November 2013


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How to spot a sociopath?

1) Sociopaths are charming. 

2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people.

3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. 

4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. 

5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and "win" at all costs. 

6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. 

7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. 

8) Sociopaths speak poetically. 

9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. 

10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth.

 "We may not have many gunboats any more, but we hardly need them, because we are already fulfilling our destiny as the soft power capital of the world – and that is thanks to a woman who knew all about soft power and the deep Freudian terror that every man has for the inner recesses of a handbag."


Monday, 29 April 2013

The Grumpy German Clown

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Yes, that's me. The Grumpy German Clown. That's how my lovely wife calls me when she wants to be nice about the fact that I am grumpy now and then. I am also very occasionally funny and I am German, so The Grumpy Clown is a fair assessment of my general vibe. You can picture me as Crusty the Clown in a Hitler uniform. But handsome. And friendly. But grumpy.

A bit like this:

Especially on a Saturday morning when I am hungry and 10 people try to figure out where to go and have breakfast. You know what I mean. I am a big fan of quick decisions, so endless selfless patience is not really my main feature. I like to either do fuck-nothing or I get stuff done. Quickly. So I can move on to doing fuck-nothing.

English people tend to think that Germans are very
  • grumpy
  • serious
  • un-funny
  • organised
  • rich
  • dangerous
  • boring
  • blond
  • blue-eyed
  • un-ironic
  • racist
  • sausage-addicted
  • Lederhosen-wearing
  • beer-drinking
  • etc. etc. [endless list]
But every German is different, right? But I take the point that most Germans are serious, boring and dangerous. And un-ironic. Or non-ironic. That's probably actually a proper word: Non-ironic. Like Americans. Or Austrians.

Now I maybe should add some funny/ironic pictures to this post to appeal on a visual level to my readership.

Let's see..

This is one of the first pictures that come up for a Google picture search 'German Clown':

That's not a bad start I suppose. The tears of a clown and a big bum. Result! She even looks a bit like Madonna. He looks like a drug dealer ..[which is a very racist remark and is only added for ironic fun reasons]. Ha!-Ha!. Germans.. racist. You get it? LOL. *sigh* OOOOH.. I FOUND ANOTHER ONE!

Yeah, funny/sad sexy time.. on ice. 

Next up:

This is probably my favorite image, as it perfectly illustrates the image of The Grumpy German Clown. This man is definitely grumpy, German and a clown. Respect!

This one is a bit confusing:

Is this grumpy German combat clown part of the forces of state oppression, like a mascot, or has this clown secretly infiltrated the German police force to fight it from the inside with his/her seriously un-funny grumpy demeanour? We will never know. 

Here's a Grumpy Freaky German Clown in the making:

This is probably the best scary kids face make-up ever. It melts your little brain. The longer you stare at it, the more brain cells get fucked. It's like staring into the fanged mouth of innocent madness. It's the Escher version of a toddler birthday in space. You can picture Spielberg waking up in his own sweat at night, screaming, trying to erase this image from his tired perforated brain. 

There are also further shock possibilities: If you put ketchup in that toddler's mouth it will look like ET has a gashing throat wound whenever they speak. Hours of fun.

The Wikipedia page for 'German Clowns' only has two entries, one for Peter Behrens, the drummer of 80s new wave clown band Trio, and one for Lou Jacobs, a proper old-school circus clown. 

I love Peter Behrens as much as I love early Trio music. He is probably THE Grumpy German Clown [except from myself of course]. Here's Peter in 'action' as Trio drummer machine: